Sybaritism in Seattle

Hola.

Today started out on a really auspicious note: I WOKE UP WITH PERFECT HAIR. I would post a picture, but the picture I took is for my records only and you can’t see it because I was all wound up when I took it and forgot I wasn’t wearing a shirt and my dad reads this blog and someday if I grow up to be first lady, that shit will show up on TMZ, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. (I AM THE VALEDICTORIAN OF RUN-ON SENTENCES.)

No, don’t ask again.

Pervert.

Anyway, it was this perfectly full, sleek hair that I almost hated to wash because it was so lovely, and then I did any way (because, ew) and now it doesn’t look nearly as good.

That’s pretty much how all of my day has been, really. I hurried to work and got there 20 minutes early so I could sign onto a conference call, only to find out 15 minutes in that I didn’t need to be on the conference call, which had started 30 minutes later than I thought, and that I had forgotten to eat breakfast in my haste, and that was giving me a headache.

I sucked it up and got some work done until 11, when my well-meaning colleague sat down next to me and started chatting.

“So, do you have another job lined up?”

No. Well, I thought I did, but it turns out I don’t. But thanks for bringing it up.

“So, how’s the dating thing going?”

It isn’t. Well, I thought it was, but that one guy decided he didn’t want to see me, the other guy is too busy, the other guy is too far away, and the rest were douchebags. Also, I cancelled my online dating memberships because I got a shit-ton of email SPAM and it cost money and Im getting laid off. But thanks for bringing it up.

“How did Sparrow like the trip to Montana last week?”

He didn’t. Well, he might have, but he barked furiously at everyone, so I drugged him, but that made him paranoid so I had to put him in the car, and then he got all needy and clingy, so I locked him in my sisters kennel with her dogs, so he broke out and got a giant gash on his leg. I put a cone on his head so he wouldn’t lick it, but he spends all day at home practicing yoga so he can reach it EVEN WITH THE CONE OF SHAME ON. So now it’s not healing and I think I need to take him to the vet. But thanks for bringing it up.

“Um, how’s the boat?”

OK, except someone wrote a bad check from my checking account for $3000, and now I don’t have the money to finish it, so I’m still sleeping on the table and the roof is leaking. Again. But thanks for bringing it up.

Anyway, I had to leave before he asked more questions and I made him cry, so I decided to take my car (leaky coolant reservoir, bad brakes, and all) to get it washed. But when I got to the gas station, which is about 5 miles away, I didn’t have my wallet. I drove back to work and got my wallet, and then I drove all the way back to the carwash, at which point I found that my debit card wasn’t in the wallet. So I drove all the way back to work AGAIN, and found that my debit card had been in the bottom of my purse all along. So, then I was back at work, still hungry, with my car still dirty.

What I did NOT do was turn around and go to the Walgreens, (say “the Wahlllgreeens” like a southerner  when you read that. It’s fun.) which sells alcohol now, and buy a Costco sized bottle of cheap hooch and chug it like milk. Drivers of the world, you are welcome.
Ok,  I meant this post to be funny when I first started writing it, but suffice it to say, this hasn’t been my day. Or month. Or really, let’s just say it, this year has pretty much been off like chunky milk. (See how milk relates to everything? Isn’t that cool?) I’ll write more about serious stuff later, but for now, here is a picture of Turtle (aka, August, my nephew) helping me with my hair before my cousin’s wedding last weekend. WHICH WAS THE BEST PART OF 2012. Super fun.